How can I support someone whose child was just diagnosed with cancer?"
Asking for help can place childhood cancer families in a vulnerable position that most of us try to avoid until desperation sets in and the bills just get to be too big. In general, a loved one may help set up a GoFundMe page, or something along those lines, which makes it easier for us to prioritize the funds for our family. But there are things that we will never be able to put a price tag on. Things that can mean the most to your family beyond financial support. Unfortunately, there will be longtime friends that you never hear from. It just happens as they don’t know what to say or do. However, there will be unexpected people that bless you beyond belief, and new found friends that love you harder than anyone. Allow the opportunity for human kindness to surprise the crap out of you. If you were looking for a way to let people know how they can help, here is a list that I wrote of all the things that filled my soul during my own daughter’s treatment and PLEASE ADD WHAT HAS BLESSED YOUR FAMILY IN THE COMMENTS.
How to support a childhood cancer family??
1) Be there, listen and hold us when we cry. The emotional roller coaster of a child's diagnosis is relentless. We feel EVERY emotion and sometimes all at once. Joy and heartache can exist in the same moment. Laughter, tears, hope and despair will intertwine and you cannot FIX it. So, if you are capable of unbiased conversation and are absolutely germ-free, then cancer families love “pre-approved” visitors so that we can feel a sense of normalcy. Just be there.
2) Financially- No one ever wants to ask for money, but sadly it is needed more often than not. If the family does not have a site to donate to directly, then gift cards to grocery stores near them and/or gas stations are amazing alternatives.
3) Offer to clean their house or pay for a housekeeper before they come home from the hospital. A compromised immune system needs a germ-free environment. As these families are being discharged for the first time, they are given extensive instructions as to how to care for the child at home. This conversation is terrifying! The list is endless and daunting. While you may not be able to be at their home to help with shots or check for fevers, you can create a clean and safe environment prior to. And while you’re at it, maybe create a fun outside shoe station since families are advised to not wear shoes inside the home any longer.
4) Don't forget the Siblings. We call then Super Siblings! Childhood cancer treatment inevitably pulls attention away from the other siblings. It is not bad parenting and it is not that family and friends don’t care about them. It is mere triage. And it happens to all of us. If you want to bring gifts (handmade blankets, clothing, toys….), please keep in mind all of the siblings in the household. These children are all experiencing their own emotional trauma. A sibling’s schedule is completely tossed. One or both parents are always gone. Tension may be higher at home. Their brother or sister is always sick and they can’t play with them anymore and they don’t know how to help. Then there is jealousy. Kids don’t understand cancer. They don’t understand why everyone is doting on their sibling. What they see is a lack of attention, cuddles and gifts.
5) Help maintain a normal household schedule. Like I mentioned before, a sibling’s schedule is typically shattered in the beginning. Staying involved in regular activities, like School or sports, can help ease the sibling trauma a bit. And while you are helping with pick-up or drop-off, checking in on the family pets would be appreciated.
6) Donate your sick/leave or vacation time to your co-worker (cancer parent). This is priceless!!! For the majority of cancer parents, it is called conquer and divide. Literally divide. One stays in hospital while the other goes to work and a family member might be able to help with the other siblings. The house remains uncleaned, meals are no longer cooked. Why? Cause bills need to be paid! And insurance coverage is a must. All of this causes strain on the marriage and unbelievable stress. One of the best ways to support a co-worker is to give them your vacation time, to allow them to be where they are needed most. Home or cuddling their kid in a hospital bed.
7) Bring a homemade meal to their home or in hospital (cause hospital food 🤢) or organize many meals with family and friends on www.mealtrain.com. This is an amazing way to support the family!!! Keep in mind that some families may have restrictive diets during this time. So, make sure to ask if there are any special requests (like Keto or dairy free) before creating a meal train. If bringing a meal, you will need to remain flexible as to where that meal is brought (home or hospital). Food is typically always welcomed with open arms but be respectful if the family is not interested in having visitors stay.
8) In hospital babysitting!! You will obviously need to be a very trusted family member to be ordained the title of “In-hospital babysitter.” And maybe a little brave. But I assure you, there are always Oncologists and nurses fully staffed at every hour to assist you, if needed. On top of that, I’m sure the parents will have given you a scroll of to-do’s as well, but either way, you will be covered! This gives the parents time to breathe, cry, walk to CVS, get their ever-needed manicure, or go on a date night that is long overdue.
9) Donate your blood or your hair!!! Check with the child’s hospital to see how you can donate blood personally or create a blood drive for the community. Even if the blood is not a match for that specific child, another child will use the blood or platelets given. Not one drop is wasted. Also, you can donate your hair! There are many foundations that provide wigs for kids but one of my favorites is Prevailing Crowns because it’s not just a wig! The hair is attached to a hat, making it more fun, playful and colorful. Check out prevailingcrowns.wordpress.com
10) Get crafty! Use your sewing, crafting or embroidery skills to bless someone with a personal gift that can be used during this time to make things more childlike. For example, hospitals gowns are typically bland or with a character that they don’t resonate with, but the gown is needed for easy port access and vitals. Hospitals gown can be made relatively easy with any Disney character or Superhero. These can also be made with messages of hope and love embroidered on the material. If you aren’t crafty you can purchase really cool ones by Luke's Armor. Yarn wigs and beanies have endless possibilities of personalized brilliance too! Keep those heads warm with a yarn wig of a girl’s favorite princess to jack sparrow, or a warm beanie, or a cap with the child’s team logo or hashtag like #CarterStrong or #LiveLikeLiv
All of these create beautiful memories and hearts full of joy. Be kind and love hard. And thank you for reading this and being pro-active in supporting a childhood cancer family during this time.
Yaarrrrn Mateys! #YarnWig